Well the holiday season is here again, and with it comes a barrage of Christmas (or Hanukkah or Kwanza, I don’t know your life) cards sent from random relatives and acquaintances near and far. These cards often come with an excessively long letter detailing all of the triumphs and successes of the writer’s friends, family and sometimes even their pets. I’m always fascinated (and mildly irritated) by the fact that these letters only highlight the most positive events of the last year. I want to hear about the real nitty gritty stuff that went down. Who left their significant other for their secretary? Who went to jail? Who got a really regrettable haircut months ago that they’re still trying to grow out? I don’t know about you guys, but that’s what I want to know about.
For years I’ve been trying to convince my parents to send out a fake letter, describing the sordid details of a year in the Murphy household, but they repeatedly refuse. Something about not wanting to burn bridges…I don’t know. It’s a lame excuse. So I thought, hey, since I now have this handy-dandy blog, why don’t I share it here? It’s full of pop culture-y goodness, and might even inspire my readers to write their own drama-filled holiday letters! So read on to find out all about the (completely fictional) year that was in the Murphy household.
Dear [Insert Name Here],
Hope this holiday season finds you and yours in good health and good spirits. This year has been quite the exciting roller coaster for the Murphy family. I thought I’d fill everyone in on what we’ve all been up to!
Jenn is back in jail again. I’d rather not get into why, but I’ll just say that she’s been banned from any and all “Payless ShoeSource” stores. She swears that this will be the last time, and has even begun writing a musical that she swears will be, “her ticket out of this one-trick pony town.” (Her words, not mine – she’s such a creative!) She’s calling it “Orange is the New Wack: Five Years an Inmate,” and says, “it’s going to capture the essence of that time Iggy Azalea fell of the stage at that concert.” Maybe it’ll be the next “Taft,” or whatever that Broadway musical is that all the kids are talking about. I of course have high hopes, but I also had high hopes when she said she wasn’t going to steal children’s shoes in bulk anymore, so we’ll see what happens.
Wayne spent the beginning of the year binge-watching “Breaking Bad,” which I haven’t seen yet but heard is very good. He now seems to have started a new business! I don’t really know much about what he’s doing, other than the fact that there’s now a Winnebago in the back yard and every time I ask what he’s up to he just says he’s “the one who knocks” in a really creepy voice and I let it go. I’ve read that it’s good to let men have their hobbies, so I’m just going to chalk it up to that.
Now I don’t want you to think that my husband and my daughter have had all the fun this year! I too have started in on some new endeavors. I recently acquired about 17 cats. It started out with just three, Meredith, Olivia and Annalise (I do love my TGIT), but every time I let them outside they came back with more! At first I was concerned, but I’ve decided to take it as a sign that these cats and I are meant for something great. One night, while vacuuming up all of their hair from the carpet and the chairs and the walls and really just the air in general, I happened upon a segment on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” featuring “The Amazing Acro-Cats.” Seeing their grace and talent inspired me to start my own cat acrobatics team! Things haven’t been going too great so far, it turns out that cats like scratching people more than they like walking on a tight rope, but I’m not giving up. I’m convinced that this time next year you’ll all be seeing me and my new cat family taking over late night. It’s only a matter of time before they stop attacking me, right?
Well, that’s it from us! Again, I hope you all have had a wonderful year and have a great holiday season.
Bonnie, Wayne and Inmate #24601-B
I hope you guys enjoyed my family’s (again, completely fictional) holiday letter! Let me know in the comments what crazy hijinks you would include in your own. And, of course…