Now that the Olympics are over (finally) we can move on to more important things, like the fact that the Oscars are now LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY! While it’s likely that they’ll award the same people and movies that have been awarded at nearly every other award show this season (I’m looking at you, Gary Oldman, Frances McDormand, Sam Rockwell, Allison Janney and “The Shape of Water“), it’ll still be fun to watch and hope, nay, plead for some exciting surprises. I mean, nothing could really top last years “‘La La Land’ won Best Picture oh wait just kidding it was ‘Moonlight’ sorry guys!!!” insanity, but maybe “The Shape of Water” doesn’t have Best Picture in the bag as much as the fish man lovers of the world hope? A girl can dream.
Anyway, no watching of the Oscars is complete without food. The show is likely to be at least four hours long, and that’s only if they actually get people to adhere to the 45 seconds of acceptance speech time. (No Nicole Kidman at this show, so it might actually be possible!) Sustenance is needed, and it’s even better if that sustenance is fun and tied to the films nominated for the big prizes. So I, out of the kindness of my own heart, put together some (very serious, not at all a joke) options for what you could serve to honor each movie. I’ll list them in ranking order from what I most want to win Best Picture to what will make me go into a rage blackout if it somehow beats everything above it. Enjoy!
“Get Out“: A pot of chamomile tea and an overwhelming feeling that something about it is very wrong.
“Call Me By Your Name“: Gummy Peachio Peachio Peachios (I’m so sorry)
“Phantom Thread“: Asparagus gazpacho soup, cooked with oil and salt, not butter NEVER BUTTER I mean what is this, prison? Are you my jailer? Have you come to ruin my night and quite possibly my entire life????
“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri“: A couple slices of white bread that think they’re being nuanced about race relations but they’re not, and some cereal to throw at your son.
“The Post“: The ROAST beef sliders with swiss cheese and horseradish mayo to be eaten while waiting for your editor to agree to run the damn story.
“The Shape of Water“: Deviled eggs but the deviled part has blue and green food coloring in it to resemble the fish man she bones *ahem* excuse me, the fish man she falls in love with.
“Dunkirk“: Find out what Harry Styles’ favorite food is and just make that.
“Darkest Hour“: The darkest chocolate, because damn son that movie was not well lit.
So there you have it, your Oscar night menu in full. Time to head to the grocery store to get the goods!
What do you think? Have your own plans for your Oscar night menu? Are you hesitantly excited for this week’s long-awaited return of Lifetime’s first-season-was-great-but-the-second-season-was-very-questionable “UnREAL“? Share your thoughts in the comments. And, as always…